The Hunger 4 Truth blog is, just as it sounds, a yearning for that which is true. More than that, however, it should demonstrate how that yearning leads to the One called Truth, Jesus Christ. I have planned for this site to be more than just a blog; I see it as a tool, like a lens, to reveal the genuine nature of life’s origin, meaning, morality, and destiny.  It is intended to be more than just random thoughts or a collection of anecdotes.  I see it as a collection of essays, studies, and hopefully answers.  My writings may often target Christians; I’ll use terms like ‘Loved ones’ or ‘Brothers and Sisters’ or simply ‘Christian’, but the writings here are meant for everyone.  The overall intent is to share truth.

About the author

I’m Tim.  This is my journey from darkness to light. It’s not over, but this is how far I’ve come.

So here is my testimony. It’s not a very dramatic testimony but it did have a dramatic effect on my life. Had my testimony been more like some; happening with some great tragedy to weather or some monumental obstacle to overcome, I would have started there. But mine really isn’t like that. It’s just my life. So that’s where I have to start.

It may be worth mentioning, though I don’t think it really had a major impact on my life, I was adopted as an infant. I didn’t grow up thinking that there was something missing from my life. I had two loving parents. They were the ones who brought me and my twin brother home from the hospital and raised us. I wasn’t searching for anyone else.

My parents were Lutheran. For me that meant we got up early on Sundays, dressed nice, and went to church. When I was younger it was Sunday school; and that was fun enough. When I was older, it was sitting through long worship services. Sometimes the sermon would be about something interesting but more often than not I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

As far back as I can remember I was searching for meaning. I think I was eight years old when I first started to wonder why we were here in first place. I’m sure I asked that question but I don’t think I got a satisfactory answer. Or perhaps I just wasn’t open to the right answer yet. In any case, at that point it wasn’t a consuming thought; there were plenty of other things that kept my young mind occupied like grasshoppers and mud.

At just about the age of ten I stumbled across something that would hold me ensnared in its barbed and poisoned thorns for decades. I wasn’t searching for it, but I found a pornographic magazine. I don’t remember what publication, and I don’t remember exactly what I saw, but the feeling; the intoxication still haunts me. This was the sewing of a tiny seed inside of me. Over the next 30 years its roots would grow deep and its branches would almost overwhelm me. At this young age, however, there wasn’t much I could do to feed this tender growth, but it wouldn’t stay a sapling for long.

My mother committed suicide just before I entered my teen years. This greatly affected me as I suppose it would anyone. It really helped me understand how painful life could be. It made me a little angry too. My grades went down, I got into a lot of fights at school, and it brought back those questions about meaning.

When I was 15 I came to the conclusion that life had no meaning. I was tired of it all and I wanted out. I felt like a failure and I wasn’t doing anyone any good in any way. I assumed that my mother was in a far better place. I thought that “heaven” was where we all ended up. I guess I really didn’t believe in a heaven or a hell. If it wasn’t paradise it must be oblivion that was just fine with me. I tried to take my own life.

One night when my dad was out of town I took a handful of pills just before I went to sleep. As I lay in my bed, thinking about eternity, one thought kept popping into my head; “you’re a selfish, foolish, little cheat.” How could I be so selfish? I realized that if for no other reason than love, I couldn’t allow this to happen. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was tell my stepmother that night what I had done. She got dressed and got me to the hospital. I really felt bad for putting her through that. I vowed I would never put anyone through that again.

Now, in my later teens, I was not only looking for meaning I was also looking for transcendence. How did I connect to this big world in which I lived and what else was out there? I spent time trying to discover the secrets of the universe. I read books by physicists, transcendentalists and spiritualists. But mostly I spent time trying to escape reality by reading books and watching movies in the science fiction and fantasy genre.

Into my early 20s the questions remained but took backstage to the life I was living. I was out of my parents’ house, living on my own, living my life the way I wanted to. I sought relationships and treasured time spent with my friends; though I spent most of my time alone. When I was alone the questions still haunted me so I poured myself into hobbies and fantasy and sadly pornography which was so easily obtained now.

If anyone asked me what my religion was then I might’ve told them Christian, though I was really into Neoshamanism, New Age philosophy, and even Druidism. I liked the pantheistic idea that “god” was in everything and the mystical idea that “god” was more of a force or power and it was mine to manipulate. Primarily, however, my “religion” was Tim. I was a humanist at heart leaning toward hedonism.

At this time I met a woman who shared some of my ideas; particularly about fantasy, New Age philosophy, paganism, and pleasure. She moved in with me. It wasn’t long before we were pregnant. We bought a house, got married, and seven months later had a daughter. Our daughter wasn’t even three when we separated. I called it off. I was completely depressed. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I got into the relationship for all the wrong reasons. I wanted her to fulfil my needs, my pleasure, and my desires. It wasn’t working. I felt trapped by my own lust and greed. I was sinking into a deep pit of despair.

I kept thinking the only way out was death. One night when I was thinking about how to carry it out, it suddenly became very clear to me that death wasn’t the only option and I remembered my vow. The next day I told her it was over. Again; one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

Life didn’t get great after that. I now had to deal with the guilt of tearing a family apart, and the animosity of my ex-wife, and the pain I must have cause everyone, especially my daughter, and the financial burden I placed on my ex and myself, and my own emptiness and self-loathing. But it wasn’t all sour. This was a time of rediscovery and new found love. I started a relationship with a woman who would quickly become the most important person in the world to me.

Shawnie and I dated for a few years and then we married. She was everything I had never dreamed of. So much better in every way. She frustrated me. She challenged me. She didn’t just buy my ideas and flatter me. But she did listen to me and counter me thoughtfully. She was strong everywhere I was weak and she was weak where I wanted her to be strong most; and she loved me in spite of that. Most important of all, she was God’s instrument of salvation in my life.

Shawnie was a rock. With all my philosophizing and scientific theory she weathered the storm. I’d throw argument after argument at her; challenging her Christian beliefs and she never wavered. In fact she made me rethink my stand on a number of issues. This didn’t make me a Christian, but it did push me to dig deeper into my own worldview.

I had an experience one day in my early thirties. I was sitting outside a service station waiting for my car to be repaired. I was reading a book called Power for Living. After reading about some people’s transformed lives by the power of Jesus, there was a chapter about the Gospel of Jesus. Something popped inside of me. It was like a brilliant moment of clarity. A “Yes! This is it!” moment. The book also contained a prayer following that message. I, with tears in my eyes, prayed that prayer.

So was I a Christian then? I’m not so sure. But, at the very least, it was the beginning of a new path. You see the feeling of that experience didn’t last too long. I was quickly back to living my life the way I wanted. Putting on my good guy face and all the while living like a devil when no one was watching. But, I did have a slightly new attitude toward the Christian faith. If nothing else, those people I read about had something I desperately wanted. They had answers to their most profound questions. I didn’t fully understand, but I wanted those answers, I wanted that peace. And I now had a new direction in which to look.

So fast forward about 3 and a half years. I received an early Christmas present from Shawnie. She gave me my first iPod. I quickly hooked it up and loaded all my favorite tunes. I discovered the fairly fledgling world of podcasts. I thought this was very cool. I could listen to all kinds of stuff on my long commutes to and from work. I found lots of people talking about music and movies and art. But I also found a lot of people podcasting about many other far less noble things. Shamefully this became my preference. Vulgar, lewd, and yes pornographic/erotic podcasts is what filled my head for about two hours every weekday while I was in my car.

But one day not even a year later I was growing tired of the same old filth and so on a whim, I downloaded some podcasts called A New Beginning. They were Christian sermons by Pastor Greg Laurie. Now I didn’t download these thinking I was going to find all the answers to life or fill the void in my own life. But Pastor Greg had a way of sharing God’s truth that was easy to digest and made a lot of sense. But I still had questions. I still had doubts. There was a real conflict; a battle; a war raging inside of me.

So nearly five years after I made some weak profession of faith outside a service station, I decided enough was enough. I was going to pour all my energy in to disproving the Bible. I figured if God was real and His Word was true, then there’s no way I could succeed, but if I could I’d be done with Him for good.

My biggest problems were in the area of historical science; age of the earth, fossil records, and evolutionary theory, everything that had been taught to me as fact by our public education system. I did not take this task lightly and I did not just turn my attention to Christian defences of the Bible. I sought secular confirmation of what I believed was true. But what I found was untenable. These “facts” I had believed my entire life could not be supported. I learned how flawed radioactive dating methods were and how there is no evidence to support the most basic principles of evolution. How most credible secular scientists are also unable to stand by so many theories I was taught were facts. This blew my whole worldview right off the map, so to speak. I also discovered that after 2000 years no one had been able to disprove the veracity of the Bible. At every turn, archaeological evidence was in fact authenticating this book.

This changed everything. I knew I could take God at His Word. And now my heart and mind were on fire with the insatiable thirst to know God. Not just about Him but to actually know Him. I was soon listening to podcasts by John Piper, John McArthur, Alistair Begg, Ken Ham, Ravi Zacharias and other preachers and Christian apologists. I couldn’t get enough. And I was truly being changed; transformed. His Spirit, the Spirit of Jesus Christ was awake in me and I was receiving a new life. It was a new beginning. I was listening to God’s word on my commutes, at work and at home with my wife. There was a definite revival happening in our household.

Shawnie and I began to pray and read the Bible together every day. We read in 2 Timothy 3:16 that “All scripture is inspired by God…” We realized if the Author of the universe authored a book, we needed to read this book. It changed me. My questions were being answered. I was seeing the world with brand new eyes. I had hope, and I knew what real love was all about.

So while God’s Word was giving me answers to all life’s questions, light to see the world as it really is, power to forgive and love with no expectations, and a sense of security and a sure and desirable destiny, I still had one problem. I was still caught fast in the death-like grip of pornography. I couldn’t seem to gain any control in this area of my life. Sure it was in the dark so to speak; hidden from the rest of the world I thought. But it wasn’t so hidden. It was having an effect on all of my relationships, my job, and my state of mind. This was threatening to destroy me.

I tried so many times to quit. I would cry and cry and pray so hard that I could leave it behind and never turn back, but I always would. I was so desperate; begging God to free me from this bondage. This went on for years. At one point it occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t the only one going through this. I looked for some help online. I found a nice website full of guys and some women just like me. So, so supportive were they. You could buddy up with people and email or chat with them when you felt the temptations come on. They had challenges and check-ins, forums and resources. They even had a Christian group you could join. I did all of that. It was no help at all. It just seemed to make my failure more obvious. I still stuck with it. I felt maybe with persistence and hard work I could beat this thing.

One day I was reading a response to someone else’s post on this website and they mentioned the name of another website where they had received the only help they would ever need again; www.settingcaptivesfree.com. I checked it out. What was different about this site was the biblical instruction. They helped me realize that my motives were all wrong. I had to stop and think of why I wanted to quit so bad. I realized that I was trying to quit for me. I didn’t want my wife to leave me, I didn’t want my employer to fire me, I didn’t want my friends to think less of me, I didn’t want my daughter to despise me, I didn’t want my enslavement to cost me anything. It was all about me. God opened my eyes to the greater sin of my pride and changed my motives to be free from this so that He, Jesus, would be glorified; not me. Now my prayers were being answered. Now I was receiving His power and strength. This suddenly became so much easier. He gave me the courage to confess my sin to my wife and He gave her the ability to love and forgive me. All those things I was worried about losing before became so much more secure and strengthened because I started living my life for Him and not me. There is no way I could have done this on my own.

I am now living my life truly free. I never knew happiness, joy, and contentment like I do now and I never want to go back. My faith grows daily. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t have to fall into despair when things don’t go as I planned. I just have to remember to trust Him and I know for a fact that my life is better for it even if I can’t see that at the moment because He has proved that over and over and over again. Jesus Christ died on a cross for me. He paid a debt I could never pay and because I accepted that, I have true and eternal life. He did it for you too.


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